Lies Lies Lies

At the ten-minutes-to-landing stage a perfectly coiffured flight attendant offers you a boiled sweetie. This, one assumes, is offered as a way of apology for the next ten minutes of trauma.

The reality is anyone can stick a 1930s telephone on their head and call it art – it’s just we don’t want to.

How many ‘celebrities’ actually appeared Celebrity Big Brother?

Alexandra Burke murdered Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah but, alarmingly, it sold 105,000 copies in one day, breaking the world record previously held by X-Factor winner Leona Lewis.

A pork scratching is a bit of fried fat. That’s it. It’s a veritable double-whammy for arteries.

Ageing is a linear thing: you’re born, time passes, you eventually turn out looking like a rumpled hessian sack and then you die

There are no arable crops or animals at health farms – only fatties

Then there’s the Citroën Pluriel – an abhorrence.

Colonic irrigation will remove dried-up stools, dead tissue, parasites, worms and the odd bag of carrots.

If you’re a biffa don’t let Gok coerce you into showing your dangly bits to a 200-strong all-chav crowd in the Bluewater Shopping Centre