Lies Lies Lies

How do you get a job in a think tank? What do you put on your CV? ‘I’m good at… thinking?’

Finding the G-spot is like trying to find an earring that fell behind the washing machine

So let’s just call this Added Tax or AT. It doesn’t sound so good, but it is telling the truth.

This is just an excuse to check people’s bits out. Every week unfortunates arrive at the Embarrassing Bodies artic with skin problems, smelly armpits and wonky/saggy boobs.

Anyone who tells you they think clowns are scary is talking balls.

A washboard stomach is only achieved if you are 21, a fitness instructor or a political prisoner.

If you have a degree in general studies, you are one of two things: 1) air or 2) thick.

Horse racing has no place on television. It’s fine if you are in a betting shop but any TV channel that has dedicated half a day to this most soporific of sports should consider reviving the testcard.

Tom Jones cannot now be regarded as sexy. He looks like a twilight moon wearing a goatee.

The fact is a civil servant is part of a huge clunking organisation that – let’s be clear – is absolutely not there to help you.