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The enema of the state

To celebrate Annual Poo Week at lieslieslies (there isn’t one – we made it up) we have decided to find the secret behind the perfect enema.

Ok, this is fairly low-brow but stick with it. We searched the internet extensively for at least a minute and after typing in the word ‘enema’ in our no-stone-left-unturned investigation we stumbled across ‘How to… the enema.’

Clearly this sounds like a film in which Morgan Freeman might be interested, but he’s too expensive. In this entertainment-fest you get full instruction, complete with detailed advice about how you can remove resistant poo from your bottom. In this enlightening, yet disconcerting video, the ‘professional’ places a mannequin, complete will full male genitalia (is this necessary?) on its side and inserts a see-through, two-metre-long pipe up its rectum.

It is, it’s fair to say, unpleasant viewing.

Once you have winced your way through to the end it does beg the question: who on God’s holy Earth thinks, ‘You know what, I need an enema, and you know what, I’ll do it myself.’

Maybe I’m missing something here. Surely there’s limited appeal for a ‘consumer advice’ film featuring a man in a white coat shoving a hosepipe up the rear end of a crash test dummy? And what of colonic irrigation itself? Who actually thought of this? Maybe they were hosing the lawn naked, dropped the hose, and the attachment found its way up their behind.

Stranger things have happened, but not many.

There are claimed health benefits: colonic irrigation will remove dried-up stools, dead tissue, parasites, worms and the odd bag of carrots. If your diet has mainly consisted of kebabs and curry expect a more strangled procedure where a putty knife will surely feature. At the end of it all, however, you’ll know that you have have a squeaky clean intestine where waste will leave your body like mercury spilling from a broken thermometer.

As well as leaving you secure in the knowledge that you possess silken-smooth internals free of mulched-up sausage sarnies, the enema should stave off bloating, wind, diarrhoea, irritable bowel syndrome, fatigue, allergies, back pain and even multiple sclerosis. That’s the theory anyway, but interestingly, there is currently no medical or scientific evidence to prove its effectiveness.

If you are tempted, you”ll have to accept that this is a costly, undignified operation where there’ll undoubtedly be somebody filming your behind for untold hilarity later on when it is revealed to a mass audience on YouTube. For your £80 charge (this is the going rate for a decent enema) you’ll marvel, along with your colleagues at work, the process where half the water from the Heathrow reservoir will be pumped through to your colon to free up a few shopping-trolley loads of crap that has been stuck in there for 20-odd years. Then you’ll whoop as you see the aged contents pass through a tube and into a vatload of other unfortunates’ excrement.

We think the enema is a bad idea. Nature did the job quite well with the current set-up, but if you are insistent and have £80 to spare in order to have a bit of a spring clean in the old bomb bay, then it’s hosepipe time for you.

But for goodness’ sake, just don’t do it yourself.

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