It’s ok to feel this way and even if you are 81 with testicles that are able to pick up carpet dust, you’d be forgiven if you felt the need to sign up for the weekly legs, bums’n’tums classes at the local municipal gym.
Björk is mad, but that’s because she’s probably been tucking into Harkarl on a regular basis. This Icelandic delicacy is made from shark meat buried in the ground and topped off with manure. After six weeks of decomposition Harkarl farmers dig it up and sell it to normal people.
It’s vital that you do these preparations in time for Red Nose Day because if you do happen to tune into BBC1 on Saturday night, the writing of a short note to your loved ones preceded by a determined attempt to end your life will be the only real option available to you.