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Old bloke

‘You’re as old as you feel’
Some days you feel like a rotting corpse and other days you’re a veritable gay waiter skipping jauntily through a brasserie.

You have to accept that feeling old is a moving target and largely depends on how much alcohol you’ve drunk the night before.

Only stupid people say, ‘you’re as old as you feel’ whereas the galactically stupid say things like, ‘You’re only as young as the woman you feel’, which deserves nothing more than a shotgun aimed squarely at the face followed by a promise never ever to use such a moronic statement again.

Feeling old is a right and should not be underestimated, as is the right to feel young too. It’s ok to feel this way and even if you are 81 with testicles that are able to pick up carpet dust, you should not suppress a bout of Cocoon-style unexplained sprightliness that will compel you to sign up for the weekly legs, bums’n’tums classes at the local municipal gym.

I like feeling old sometimes: it means I get to shout ‘Who?’ regardless of what I have misheard and look at parking restriction road signs for extended periods.

‘Growing old with grace’
It simply doesn’t happen. Old people look horrendous, they have bad breath and their underarms are resting places for communities of bats.

Old people have stories that feature lifeloads of toil that we cannot fully comprehend. Don’t listen to them because you’ll only end up hanging yourself. Run away from old people, but y’know, do it with respect.

I think you can put old people into two distinct categories: rich ones and poor ones. Well-heeled old people get cosmetic surgery, become more self-centred and ultimately, unbearable, whereas poor old people become withered, self-centred and also, unbearable. If you do become an old person try to be a rich one because at least you’ll have a nice house that’s big enough to dilute the smell of urine and cabbage.

As you get old you can do only do your best to not end up bitter, bald and broken. You can eat well and do a bit of exercise, but really that’s just putting off an evil day. People who tell you that you have ‘grown old with such grace’ are serial liars, idiots or blind.