With respect

This morning on  Radio 4 anchorman John Humphrys used the expression ‘with respect’ before tearing into Liberal Democrat Chris Huhne who was attempting, and failing, to extol the virtues of the now-popular-formerly-dull Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg. What followed was a huffety puffety diatribe from Huhne, who was feeling less than respected.   Huhne was having a girlie strop.   Lies Lies Lies is impartial. We have no political bent because it is taken as read, by us, that all politicians lie. In this seemingly unending election run in the UK we’ve heard scores of lies in numerous interviews. To claim a politician is a liar is to state the…

Non-stick pans

The new non-stick pan is the kitchen equivalent of Eddie the Eagle. Bacon shows little resistance and sausages roll and skip across the surface like skippety lambs on a spring day. Beans exit in a similar fashion to that of cinema audience leaving a screening of Police Academy 6

Doc Martens boots

Not technically boots or even footwear, more foot/ankle/legwear that, in the initial stages, is something Guantanamo torture experts would have been pleased with. Putting on a brand-spanking new, rigid-as-a-dartboard 10-hole ‘Air Wear’ Dr Marten boot is like strapping a cast iron drainpipe to your leg; there is little resistance and, although it affords you the pleasure of leaning over at any angle – Michael Jackson smooth-criminal-style – it forces you to goosestep until the ‘running-in’ period of three months is over. You can, if you like, pummel the leather with a tent mallet, but that won’t help. Nor will a…


Caramelise is a posh way of saying something’s burnt. It’s the ultimate get-out for people who haven’t been paying attention when they’ve been cooking. Imagine your partner saying: ‘Here you are, darling – your toast has been perfectly caramelised to your liking.’ ‘No honeybun, you’ve bloody burnt it.’


This is a trades descriptions horror. It all looks very inviting. Pleasant, friendly people run fairground rides – you know this because they generally have ‘love’ tattooed on one knuckle. They have ‘hate’ tattooed on the other one, but let’s forget about that. Then there are the rides. They are fantastically safe and they’re also a hoot aren’t they? Let’s consider ‘the Waltzer’ for example. You sit in a nice chair that goes up and down and around and around. Then a very nice man – with tattoos – comes and spins you around some more. You may have paid…