Lately, on my return home to my flat in Crouch End I find that my rather sizeable flatscreen television is stuck on some sort of loop that subjects me to programmes about fat people, and Channel 4’s Embarrassing Fat Bodies in particular. Really, I should turn over and watch Question Time and learn stuff about the country I live in and the key issues that it faces but I really can’t be bothered with all that.
Common sense tells me that these fat ‘features’ should be fairly short. The advice, I feel, should be concise, y’know like: “Eat less, take regular exercise”, but Channel 4 manages to drag this out for an hour at a time with curiosity-led examinations that usually result in the revelation of people’s genitals.
There are plenty of chubbers blaming poor genetics for obesity. They’ll say their fatness is the result of a faultlined DNA that makes them look like a Space Hopper. I doubt this. I have to go to the gym, run about a bit and stay off the kebabs to retain my racing snake-like form. If I wanted to look like Jabba the Hut I would embrace lethargy, sit at home, play computer games and eat pizza.
Still the Channel 4 fatties don’t understand this. One chap, suffering a medical condition, of which I know not what, had what one of the doctors describe as an ‘apron’ hanging down in front of him. The apron, essentially, was a supersized sack of fat the size of a sandbag, gracefully grazing the floor. Gravity had done its job well, and although it was just millimetres off the tarmac, the resultant ground-effect didn’t improve the man’s cornering at all. Indeed, a short straightline walk to the kitchen was about all he could manage.
To pee, the unfortunate patient merely had to stand directly over it, relax his groin and let the urine out. An undertray to catch the contents was all that was needed. It was like a Little Britain sketch the only catch being is that this was real. Underneath the man’s apron, apparently, were genitals. The male doctor lifted up the fat-sack like he was trying to put a duvet cover on and there, sure enough, was the man’s button mushroom. ‘Yep, I can see it,” said the doc with two kilos of fat on his head. ‘There it is!”, resisting the temptation to point.
To cure this man’s condition surgeons cut off the apron. There was a long pre-op conversation, which I also found surprising since I think the words, ‘Yep, we’ll chop it off”, would have had the benefit of brevity. I watched the procedure to understand the complexity but there wasn’t much. They knocked the chap out, chopped off a total of six stones of fat and then threw it in a bin.
There are many ways to lose weight. Some try walking, but that never works, and others have suggested to me that Tai Chi might do the trick. Predictably, I’m sceptical.
To do Tai Chi properly you have to wear pyjamas and slippers and generally look like an arse. According to the experts Tai Chi will sort you out if you are unfit. Could this really be exercise? Well not really since it’s just moving about slowly and let’s face it, doing anything slowly isn’t going to get rid of that beer belly of yours.
For the ill-informed Tai Chi is designed to exercise the mind and body. It comes from China and its purpose is to marry martial arts and mental concentration. The claim is it’ll improve strength, flexibility, balance and coordination and help you to lose weight. Tai Chi-ists say it also improves your heart function, decreases blood pressure and it’ll make you less stressed out.
Of course, that’s shite. It doesn’t do any of that.
If, in the course of your life, you get fired, you could lose your home and then as the stress heightens your wife will want to leave you. Your situation will affect your self-esteem and as a result you’ll lose the ability to perform sexually and you’ll go bald. It’ll be a downward spiral punctuated by the fact that you have no earning power and, as much as I appreciate the theory, I can’t see that cradling an imaginary ball for 20 minutes is going solve the problem.
Let’s nail this down. If you want to get fat just eat lots of stuff, sit around all day and, if you like, do some Tai Chi. If you don’t, however, you’ll have to cut out the pies/kebabs and run about. Nothing has changed as far as the laws of nature are concerned and if you want to head that unsightly apron off at the pass do your level best to avoid exchanges that begin with the word… ‘chillisaucesaladboss?’