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A real 'Funsize' Mars bar wil be two feet long

Rocket salad
Rocket has been kidnapped by Chelsea types, who’ll simply not accept it’s merely a bunch of glorified dock leaves fit only for rabbits. The Chelsea tossers will, however, pay through the nose for it, which I suppose represents some sort of justice.
And who thought of putting rocket on pizza? That’s like putting French dressing on chips.And what’s all this peppery business about? If you want pepper, get your waiter to get busy with the oversized mill and resist the urge to get him to throw to leaves on your 14-inch meat feast. Rocket is absolutely not ‘peppery’ or high-end at all – it’s just a bland green leaf that gets lodged inbetween your teeth. 

‘Soft scoop’ ice cream
Why is it that tubs of ice cream – whatever the brand – insist on putting ‘soft scoop’ on the lid? Simple physics will tell you that if you put food in the freezer it’ll freeze and go hard. Any premature attempt at extracting the contents of the ‘soft scoop’ tub will yield the kind of result that made Uri Geller a household name.  
So what do you do when you want to set some soft scoop from  the tub straight after taking it out of the freezer? 
Well, you turn on the TV, walk about a bit, scratch your behind, prod the tub, then watch a couple of rounds from Deal or No Deal and prod it again. After that it’ll be soft to scoop. 
So, here’s the thing. Wait. Scoop. Eat.

Chicken parfait – posh nosh?
Runny pâté. That’s what this is and if you do get lured by the fancy title in a top-end restaurant then more fool you. Chicken parfait should only be consumed by hospital patients who can’t ingest solids. Chicken kidney isn’t a pleasant foodstuff and liquidising it doesn’t make it any more palatable.  

Herb boxes – a good idea?
Always sounds like a great idea: simply reach out and get a variety of herbs to pep up your cooking. You could have basil, coriander, chives, rosemary, sage, chervil, thyme: it’s a chocolate box of herbiage. 
Problem is, you have to be Alan Titchmarsh to make sure your plants don’t die. Within two weeks your coriander will have wilted, your basil shrivelled, your rosemary will look like pine needles and your sage leaves decayed. Just buy herbs in a packet, try and use it all up within a couple of days and leave all that herb growing nonsense to Jamie Oliver and Nigel Slater.

‘Funsize’ Mars bar
Why’s it fun? Pound for pound it’s overpriced and it’s not as much fun as gorging yourself on a normal sized Mars bar. It’s a small Mars bar, no more, no less.