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Penguin: bastard

Penguins are bastards. They have managed to capture the affection of almost everyone without actually doing anything particularly interesting or useful.

That’s why I object to the film The March of the Penguins. It’s like watching a Channel 4 documentary about people living in council estates, who moan about poverty and the hopelessness of their situation and then spend their benefit money on Sky TV packages and Wii consoles while their kids enjoy a daily diet of  turkey twizzlers and Quality Street.

Like those council estate residents Penguins should not be afforded any sympathy. Penguins live in sub-zero temperatures and that’s their bloody choice. If penguins want a better life they are perfectly capable of swimming to the ruddy Bahamas but of course, they never do. They just waddle about waiting for Channel 4 to take notice.

Penguins live in cold places… because they like to… and don’t start all this rot about ‘the plight of the penguins’. They get just what they deserve even if the odd seagull does occassionally have a small fluffy one for lunch.

And what of this ‘marching’ business anyway? There’s certainly no goosestepping or right-wheeling to be seen throughout this two-hour ‘epic’. Any self-respecting avian army parade would see straight through the lack of discipline demonstrated by these flightless, butler-impersonating frauds and send them straight to Guantanamo Bay for a bit of decent, well-rounded correction.