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Let's hope this wasn't at the Indian 'toilet'

There are those who tell me they how much they just ‘love’ pork scratchings and how well they go with a nice warm pint of ale. That’s horrific. The pork scratching, surely, has got to be the most disgusting prospect ever.

‘Why?’ I hear you ask

Well, first up, Yahoo tells us the pork scratching is in the top ten worst foods you can eat and I believe them. Secondly, a pork scratching is a bit of fried fat. That’s it. It’s a veritable double-whammy for arteries. I’ll have some fat please. No hang on, it’s not fatty enough, could you cook it in some fat? And you cannot ignore the rather unsavoury meat source. Now I’m not Jewish, but I feel the Jews do have a point since a pig is a thing that will happily eat excrement in large volumes, and I have evidence to prove it.

I have a friend who regaled me with a story about a toilet in India, which was, essentially, a wooden hut comprising a number of  cubicles. The whole building, if you like, was set at an angle and each cubicle had a plank of wood – a precipice on which the occupant would sit and then release the contents of his or her bowels. A makeshift gulley below would then transport the slurry, via gravity, to the end of the collection of cubicles to a small area where a pig had taken up residence.

Upon parking his behind on the plank, my friend described a disturbing series of bangs and snorts as the swine anticipated the next meal that was due to come….  from my friend’s arse. Legend has it, that the kerfuffle at the end of the cubicles would reach fever pitch if the pig got wind that diarrhoea was on the menu.

So, in view of this, I suggest you avoid pork scratchings, not only for the poor nutritional value, but on the basis that the above story should put you off this most appalling pub ‘snack’ for life.

As far as I am concerned a pork scratching is not food at all – it is a marriage of human faeces and fat and, never at any time, should you put it in your mouth.

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