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It's all wrong

I’ve been given two books this Christmas. One about Greg Wallace and the other is a book about Christianity.

I will read both, but not at the same time because that’s just confusing.

My chosen location for reading will be in my front room. If I’m feeling particularly saucy, I might choose to read in bed.

This is normal, grown-up behaviour.

There are those, unlike me, who will elect to read their Christmas gifts in the lavatory. These are people without self-respect/household seating/noses and if this is a scenario you recognise then I suggest you change your habit.

Why? I hear you ask, Darren.

Well, let’s nail this down. When you need to go to the toilet your one and only task is to release your waste into the bowl, do the necessaries, then leave, closing the door behind you. Of course, conventional wisdom dictates that patience pays off: arise before the taper has kicked in and there will be disastrous results that’ll mean a date with the Domestos and a hasty change of underwear.

If you have followed normal toilet protocol you will have resisted the urge to multi-task. Expanding the mind is acceptable during this process, however. Maybe, in mid-flight you’ll consider your existence, explore your spiritual side – perhaps – and then pray that no-one will visit your toilet within the next ten minutes because if they do, they’ll know full well that the quite horrific odour has been generated by your unfeasibly large turd.

We live in a civilised society where Thomas Crapper blessed us with an invention – the flushing toilet. Prior to this, folk would sit on a bowl, release and then dispense… out of the window. They didn’t stay there and pick up a copy of the Times travel supplement while enjoying the aroma of their own shit.

This modern-day phenomenon should stop and if you are reading this on your iPhone, iPad or other purported time-saving devices while sitting on your WC, then shame on you. Wipe, pull up your garments, flush and decamp to a comfortable chair in a room that smells of roses.