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Never ever put this stuff in your mouth

According to a new investigation from Exeter University, beetroot is good for you. In the study veteran cyclists, who drank about a pint of store-bought beetroot extract, suddenly felt Cocoon-like benefits. No longer did they have to book erections a week in advance and reports of sexual harassment at the local chutney society increased ten-fold. Stocks of Harley Davidson fatboys have been wiped out in all Exeter-based motorcycle dealerships.

It’s a new phenomenon. Researchers say high levels of nitrates in beetroot juice provide the health kick. When beetroot nitrate turns in to nitric oxide in the body, it reduces the amount of oxygen compulsory to perform exercise and thus a lunchtime legs, bums’n’ tums workout for Gandalf doesn’t look quite so unrealistic.

I care not for the benefits of the beet, though. Beetroot is a deep red colour and there’s a reason for that: it’s been created by the devil. Saturday Kitchen regularly features beetroot as its chosen ‘food hell’ and it’s difficult to argue with that. Debonair chef James Martin tells us that beetroot is a wonderfully versatile vegetable that’ll keep you skipping around like a gay lambkin on spring day. He is, of course, lying his arse off.

A beetroot spends most of its life underground and that, quite frankly, is where it should stay. St Lucifer’s henchmen dig beetroots up and sell them to supermarkets and restaurants expecting payment when what’s really needed is the services of an exorcist.

Beetroot is, literally, the root of all evil – you can try to mix it with walnuts, stilton, rocket and a chutney but it’ll still turn everything blood red and make everything taste revolting.

Camels, cows and birds are the only creatures on God’s holy earth that can conceivably be given sanction to eat beets because they can regurgitate at will. Under no circumstances must you give beetroot to babies – if they don’t vomit red, they’ll turn their nappies into a scene from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Beetroot should be undiscovered. We should ban it from civilised society and any ‘underground beetroot society’ that forms as a result should be dealt with in the strongest way possible. Remove limbs if necessary. That may turn everything blood red too, but it’ll rid the world of this most unnecessary ingredient.

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