I work for a publishing company that produces the weekly magazine Closer. That very fact hurts me because if you do actually take any trouble to flick through Closer and look at the pictures you’ll realise that what you are getting isn’t actually ‘closer’ at all.
If it’s a bona fide ‘pap’ shot that isn’t set up deliberately by some C-grade celebrity, it’s likely to be taken from quite a distance and the result is a fairly unflattering picture of somebody’s cellulite, bingo wings or sweaty armpits.
A Closer ‘scoop’ is usually a picture of Jude Law with a piss stain on the front of his trackie bottoms. If you think about this at any great length you realise that you haven’t got any closer by looking at low-grade images of supposedly famous people doing normal things like going across the road to get a pint of milk from Londis, having not shaken their penis enough during an earlier trip to the loo.
And so to Reveal. Honestly, have you read anything remotely revelatory in Reveal? I’ll give you a million pounds if you have. Then there’s Star, which is surely a contradiction, more a platform for pond-life journalism featuring no ‘stars’ at all.
This summer Channel 5 will regurgitate Celebrity Big Brother, which is a thoroughly depressing prospect. During this summer-long bilge-fest you can expect to see people doing ordinary things, then arguing a lot. However, the programme makers will reason that for us, the viewers, that won’t matter because we’ll be looking at ‘stars’ doing stuff and that’ll be fodder for the Closer, Star and Reveals of this world.
I can’t stand the fact that Closer even exists and if you do think that anything coming out of Big Brother is a ‘star’ then, sure, this journal is for you, but let’s face it you’re lucky if you’ve ever heard of half the people in this half-arsed mag.
According to gossip from publications, sitting squarely in the genre of General Tittle Tattle Pamela Anderson will be appearing in this year’s Big Brother.
God help us.