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Dr Christian Jessen: 'Right, let's check your bits out.'

In the UK, there’s a show on Channel 4 called Embarrassing Bodies – a kind of one-stop shop for people with dodgy things that even the most straight-talking matron might baulk at.

Essentially, EB is just an excuse to check people’s bits out. Every week unfortunates arrive at the Embarrassing Bodies roadshow with skin problems, smelly armpits and wonky/saggy boobs. Usually the EB team saves the best ’til last, usually featuring the woman with the dangly ladybits or the bloke with a nasty smell coming from deep within his underpants. In this instant, when main man Dr Christian Jessen has had a bit of a shuftie down the offending area, you can see him leaning back from the fug. As the aroma pervades the nostrils of the TV GP it’s clear that outright politeness and professional dictat are the only things that stop him saying: ‘Mate, for the love of God, buy a pumice stone and clean your knob up.’

It’s not much fun if you have a weak constitution: indeed, in a bid to research this further we logged on to the EB website and it makes interesting, yet uncomfortable browsing. If you want you can have a look at the.. um, Penis Gallery, or if you are feeling particularly brave you can check out the Vulva Gallery.

Think I’ll pass.

But the show is happy to soldier on, focusing on all manner of ailments and in our view the ultimate ‘embarrassing’ body surely had to be the man who came in and boldly professed: ‘I have a large penis’.

This cannot be a problem. People have their bell-ends injected with cow fat to make them bigger so one would have thought that this character was doing nothing more than showing off.

Jessen should have cuffed his ‘patient’ around the head and sent him on his way, but with a straight face he asked him to drop his trousers so we could all have a quick gander at this bloke’s petrol pump. When the man did get his weapon out there was indeed, a sharp intake of breath from the usually unflappable doctor. Either he was genuinely shocked at the dimensions of his patient’s saveloy or he had experienced a pang of jealousy. Anyhow, it was there to be seen in all its glory and truth be told, this lad had a whopper down there. You could have built a housing estate on it.

Embarrassing Bodies is not there to help the British public, nor is it there as some sort of public health service. Like most modern TV, it’s a freak show reliant on voyeurism. It is there to amuse and it lets the rest of us know that, whatever bits we don’t like about our bodies, there are those with far worse… or in this bloke’s, case, even better.

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