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A clown with a blue testicle is not threatening

Anyone who tells you they think clowns are scary is talking balls. They think they are being entertaining by saying this. Dinner party bores say: ‘I have two phobias – Yoplait and clowns.’ Then his, or her, audience is supposed to question said attention-seeking idiot over this seemingly weird, yet irrational couplet of fears.

First up, a clown isn’t scary. Let’s say a clown was a serial killer. Yep, that is absolutely scary, but a clown without psychotic tendencies is just a bloke in a stupid suit.

If you really do have a genuine fear of clowns it’s important that you understand that you are perfectly safe if confronted by one because the chances of escape are quite high. Simply run away – the oversized shoes will prevent any attempts at hostage-taking.

A clown, as modern-day culture has realised, isn’t funny. Honestly, how many times have you laughed out loud during a clown routine? The people who do are merely being polite. Falling over and custard pie throwing lost its lustre many moons ago.