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Guess what will be on the front of next month’s Men’s Health magazine. Oh go on, just in case you’re wrong.

Well there’ll be a picture of a man, stripped to the waste with abs that you can play a particularly tuneful version of Chopsticks on.

Get used to it. It’ll be like that until we start building a small village on Mars. The only variable will be the claimed number of weeks it will take you to achieve such physical perfection. If Men’s Health is feeling particularly confident about the capabilities of its readership, it’ll tell you can get a six-pack within a month.

To do this, you will have lift a dead cow above your head 30 times at 30-minute intervals, while consuming a diet of chicken, raw fish, a few eggs, salad (without dressing), tuna, four cans of mackerel fillets in olive oil and a pint of haddock urine.

If you are thinking of achieving the washboard stomach in six weeks they’ll let you off the haddock juice and instead of the dead cow you can lift a two-seat sofa while standing on one leg. Men’s Health might throw a few lunges into the routine just to make sure.

A washboard stomach is only achieved if you are 21, a fitness instructor or a political prisoner. A DVD promising ‘miraculous’ results after a 30-minute workout repeated five times a week will ensure that your space-hopper shape will, at least, remain in check, but little else.

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