‘Stainless steel’
If you describe something as ‘stainless’ you would expect it to resist stains but if you put stainless steel near anything – particularly water – it leaves a mark. Not stainless then. And isn’t it ironic that most things made of stainless steel are items that reside near water – sinks, cutlery, splashbacks, hobs, saucepans?
What a big pant-on-fire claim. Just call it steel and we’ll all know where we stand.
‘Your call is important to us’
Well why don’t answer the ruddy phone then?
Wheelie bins
Never saw Evel Knievel or any other stunt rider with an alliterative name pulling a wheelie on a three-foot rectangular dustbin that contains everyday household waste. If you have, you’re on drugs.
Ensuite bathroom
People refer to this facility as a bathroom, but how many ensuites contain a bath? It’s just a shower room with a toilet.
Memory foam mattress
What has a mattress got to remember? The shopping, paying the gas bill, picking up the kids? No, apparently the idea is that the foam remembers what it was like before you were lying on it. That’s not exactly hard is it? Surely, it’s got to go back to being flat… like every other ruddy mattress.
Bleeding of pipes
Every morning, at about 5am a leprechaun breaks into my one-bedroom basement flat and starts battering my copper pipework with a monkey wrench with the sole aim of waking me up. He is usually very successful and only a night-before drinking spree prevents my reveille. The best way to stop the leprechaun, according to legend, is to bleed your central heating system of all the air through the radiators with a small square-shaped key.
It never ever works.
24-hour opening
It’s ten past four on a Sunday afternoon and you need some horseradish sauce for your evening roast beef meal. Why not pop down to Tesco or Asda? It’s 24-hour opening remember.
This is what will happen. You’ll drive down there convinced that the 24-hour shopping fest applies to the Lord’s Day, but prepare for disappointment.
They closed at 4pm. Time to break out the 12-month out-of-date mustard jar then.
Multi-purpose cloths
I tried playing badminton with them. Just couldn’t get the ruddy ’cock over the net.
Bathroom weighing scales
All liars.
Donkey Jackets
If you have seen a donkey wearing an ill-fitting, shapeless coat with plastic on the shoulders, I’ll give you a million pounds.
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