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The only time reading on the toilet is acceptable

… is an overrated practice. Disgusting people celebrate ‘reading while sitting on the bog’ when, let’s face it, it’s wholly repugnant.

Right, let’s nail this down. You need to go to the toilet. Once in, your task is to release your waste into the bowl, flush, then leave, closing the door behind you.

If you have any self-respect you’ll pray that no-one will visit your toilet within the next ten minutes because if they do, they’ll know full well that the quite horrific odour has been generated by your unfeasibly large turd.

We live in a civilised society where someone who was not Thomas Crapper blessed us with an invention – the flushing toilet. Prior to this, folk would sit on a bowl, release and then dispense… out of the window. They didn’t stay there and pick of a copy of the Times travel supplement while enjoying the aroma of their own shit.

This modern-day phenomenon should stop and if you are reading this on your iPhone, iPad or other purported time-saving device while sitting on your WC, then shame on you. Pull up your garments, flush the toilet and read this carefully crafted, Wordsworthian-style prose in a comfortable chair in a room that smells of roses, preferably with an accompanying soundtrack of harps, not parps.

See what I’ve done there.