Lies Lies Lies

Aussies cite the surf as a major attraction but who wants to be a Great White’s mid-morning snack or the find themselves on the receiving end of a jellyfish that’ll turn your testicles in basketballs?

This is not in any way fun. Do something else. Buy a Rubik’s Cube, phone someone up, get your fillings done, take up golf, get a goat. If you must, join chutney-making group, but for the holy love of God, do anything but play Sudoku.

It really isn’t a good sign when you realise that the mere sound of Ed Miliband is enough to make you want to shit in your car.

if you hear someone say ‘there are plenty more fish in the sea’ simply cite the level of fish stocks compared to those in the North Sea in 1970. That’ll shut ’em up.

Still, during my home improvement offensive I have learned something: I am on first name terms with Steve at B&Q (a UK home improvement store if you are from other shores) and I have also learned about the absolute bald, uncompromising lie that is Dulux’s so-called ‘One-Coat’ paint.

I don’t believe that the recent riots are the result of an marginalised underclass, or a societal breakdown, I think unreasonable electricity bills are the cause. The bills arrived two weeks ago so, for me, this isn’t a coincidence.

When beetroot nitrate turns in to nitric oxide in the body, it reduces the amount of oxygen compulsory to perform exercise and thus a 40-minute legs, bums and tums workout for Gandalf doesn’t look quite so unrealistic.

A Closer ‘scoop’ is usually a picture of Jude Law with a piss stain on the front of his trackie bottoms.

Sean Hoare was a charming, memorable rogue and a lovable one. If nothing else, he started the ball rolling for me and I subsequently enjoyed a career in newspaper journalism. For that I am extremely grateful

I started Googling and came across (yes, very funny) a couple of studies that undermine the claim that well, men from ethnic backgrounds have larger, y’know, equipment, than white blokes.